{"id":6194,"date":"2025-11-02T10:50:14","date_gmt":"2025-11-02T10:50:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/2025\/01\/21\/write-of-passage-consent-in-the-time-when-a-black-woman-can-say-no\/"},"modified":"2025-11-02T10:50:14","modified_gmt":"2025-11-02T10:50:14","slug":"write-of-passage-consent-in-the-time-when-a-black-woman-can-say-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/2025\/11\/02\/write-of-passage-consent-in-the-time-when-a-black-woman-can-say-no\/","title":{"rendered":"Write of Passage: Consent in the Time When a Black Woman Can Say No"},"content":{"rendered":"<!--[if lt IE 9]><script>document.createElement('audio');<\/script><![endif]-->\n<audio class=\"wp-audio-shortcode\" id=\"audio-6194-1\" preload=\"none\" style=\"width: 100%;\" controls=\"controls\"><source type=\"audio\/mpeg\" src=\"https:\/\/api.substack.com\/feed\/podcast\/155140043\/e9036069a5e7a1a15d44d2210ef6d352.mp3?_=1\" \/><a href=\"https:\/\/api.substack.com\/feed\/podcast\/155140043\/e9036069a5e7a1a15d44d2210ef6d352.mp3\">https:\/\/api.substack.com\/feed\/podcast\/155140043\/e9036069a5e7a1a15d44d2210ef6d352.mp3<\/a><\/audio>\n<p>As a writer, I love giving readers something they didn\u2019t expect. When plotting a murder mystery, I meticulously plant clues, red herrings, and unexpected connections, ensuring readers will turn the pages, eager for what\u2019s next. The writer&#8217;s mind is a playground. It\u2019s the world as we know it\u2014the familiar, the structured, and the understood. Readers are conditioned for the norm. But when a writer disrupts the mundane, offering a twist, it intrigues and refreshes.<\/p><div id=\"vanes-4044952755\" class=\"vanes-content vanes-entity-placement\" style=\"margin-top: 2px;margin-right: 2px;margin-bottom: 2px;margin-left: 2px;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/fireswordandsea.htm\" aria-label=\"Fire Sword &amp; Sea\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/FireSwordSea_HC-scaled.jpg?fit=1706%2C2560&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"Fire Sword &amp; Sea\"  srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/FireSwordSea_HC-scaled.jpg?w=1706&ssl=1 1706w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/FireSwordSea_HC-scaled.jpg?resize=200%2C300&ssl=1 200w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/FireSwordSea_HC-scaled.jpg?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1 683w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/FireSwordSea_HC-scaled.jpg?resize=768%2C1152&ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/FireSwordSea_HC-scaled.jpg?resize=1024%2C1536&ssl=1 1024w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/FireSwordSea_HC-scaled.jpg?resize=1365%2C2048&ssl=1 1365w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/FireSwordSea_HC-scaled.jpg?w=1280&ssl=1 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" width=\"569\" height=\"853\"   \/><\/a><\/div>\n<p>We\u2019re curious beings. We crave learning and understanding. We seek order. Flipping gender roles or challenging leadership expectations is a surefire way to shake things up and offer a new perspective.<\/p>\n<p>Last year, I wrote a scene I initially thought was humorous: an 1800s heroine, desperate to become a physician, disguises herself as a man to attend medical lectures. At the time, women were barred from pursuing careers as scientists or physicians, often resorting to extraordinary measures to follow their passions. In the scene, Scarlett, the determined heroine, is on the verge of being discovered. Her nemesis, an immigrant physician named Steven, steps in to save her by pretending she\u2019s his male cousin. This clever ruse spares Scarlett from scandal but forces her to blend in with the men\u2014including accompanying them to a brothel. Turning the tables, Scarlett ends up saving Steven. While he\u2019s incapacitated during a narcoleptic episode, she kisses him, adding what I thought was a layer of comedic drama to the brothel scene.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s the rub: that kiss happened without his consent. He was barely conscious. It doesn\u2019t matter if it was funny, if readers were in on the joke, or if it showcased her autonomy. By giving her this power, I stripped his from him.<\/p>\n<p>That moment had to change. I deleted the kiss. The scene in <em>A Wager at Midnight<\/em> is still funny, still scandalous, but it\u2019s respectful. Some may say, \u201cVanessa, lighten up\u2014it\u2019s humor! And don\u2019t we need more joy in the world?\u201d All true. But here\u2019s a greater truth: <strong>consent is not a double standard. It\u2019s a rule. It\u2019s a right.<\/strong> Everyone\u2019s &#8220;no&#8221; should carry the same weight we modern women demand for ourselves.<\/p>\n<p><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/bit.ly\/wageratmidnight\">A Wager at Midnight releases March 25.<\/a><\/p>\n<p>The ability to say no is sacred. To paraphrase Matthew 5:37, \u201cAll you need to say is Yes or No; anything beyond this comes from the devil.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Many of you might be nodding in agreement. Yet this week reminds us that some people still struggle with a woman\u2019s no\u2014especially when that woman is Black.<\/p>\n<p>This week, a spokesman for the office of Barack and Michelle Obama announced that Mrs. Obama would not attend the 2025 inauguration. Unlike her absence from President Carter\u2019s funeral, which was attributed to a scheduling conflict, this was a clear, definitive, unexplained <em>no.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Reactions have been predictable. Some applaud her for setting boundaries, acknowledging the toll of public life and the personal risks she and her family have endured. Others clutch their pearls, lamenting political norms\u2014those quaint phrases that, bless their hearts, weren\u2019t universally applied when it mattered most.<\/p>\n<p>Meanwhile, my people\u2014oh, you know who you are\u2014created a delicious meme that summed it all up: <em>If I send you Michelle\u2019s picture, I\u2019m not coming.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>From: @jennmjacksonphd<\/p>\n<p>These memes reminded me of the ones sparked by Anita Baker when her concert, scheduled to start at 7 p.m. on May 11, 2024, at State Farm Arena in Atlanta, was canceled at 6:54 p.m. due to &#8220;unforeseen circumstances.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><strong>@sweet.alpha.lady from TikTok<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll admit, these memes are funny. But looking at the popularity of these memes reveals something sobering: Are women the only ones who cancel? Why aren\u2019t there memes like these for men who say no? Do they not have the agency to do so?<\/p>\n<p>Of course, that\u2019s sarcasm\u2014because men cancel all the time. They just aren\u2019t mocked as much.<\/p>\n<p>Chris Rock, for instance, canceled hosting the 2022 Governor\u2019s Award after his infamous Oscar slap. If humor is fair game, where\u2019s the meme with his picture saying, <em>\u201cNaw. Sorry I can\u2019t be there. Still recovering from saying the wrong thing.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Or take James Franco, who \u201cmentally didn\u2019t show up\u201d to co-host the 2011 Oscars. Sure, he was physically present, but he failed to fulfill his duties. Anne Hathaway, the other co-host, had to carry the night. A woman having to pick up the slack? That sounds familiar\u2014and is definitely meme-worthy.<\/p>\n<p>Nonetheless, people have a right to cancel, just as they have a right to say no. That includes celebrities. Saying no should be a human right. But for that to hold true, society must first recognize the humanity and autonomy of every person who withdraws their consent.<\/p>\n<p>Historically, women have struggled with autonomy and consent. For much of US history, women were required to live under the authority of a father, husband, or male guardian. It wasn\u2019t until 1974 that women were allowed to obtain credit cards in their own name. Equal pay legislation dates back only to the 1960s. The societal acknowledgment of a woman\u2019s right to make her way in the world is lacking. It\u2019s hard to understand that a woman\u2019s ability to work for fair wages and to decide her own path is merely <strong>sixty-five years old. <\/strong>That\u2019s not that old. It\u2019s barely able to get social security.<\/p>\n<p>Alas, the history is bleaker for Black women. For us, the ability to say no to the most egregious violations was often denied. Our consent was stolen by laws, society, and systems meant to promote and protect others.<\/p>\n<p><strong>A Timeline of Black Women and the Right to Say No<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>1662: Virginia Hereditary Slave Law<\/strong>Children\u2019s status (enslaved or free) followed their mother, stripping Black women of autonomy over their offspring. Sidenote: This came about because Elizabeth Key, born to an enslaved woman and a white Englishman, Thomas Key, legally gained her freedom in 1655 by arguing that she was baptized and freed by her father. The 1662 law was enacted to ensure such cases could never happen again.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1705: Virginia Slave Codes<\/strong>These codes reduced enslaved people to property. This codifies sexual violence against all enslaved but particularly Black women.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1786: Tignon Laws (Louisiana)<\/strong>Black women were forced to cover their hair in public, erasing their self-expression and identity.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1857: <\/strong><strong><em>Dred Scott v. Sandford<\/em><\/strong>This decision denied Black people citizenship. This reaffirms that Black men and women are without legal rights to refuse exploitation or violence, nationwide.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1865\u20131866: Black Codes<\/strong>Restrictive laws curtailed freedwomen\u2019s mobility and punished those who refused exploitative labor with vagrancy charges.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1927: <\/strong><strong><em>Buck v. Bell<\/em><\/strong>This Supreme Court decision upheld forced sterilization laws targeting Black women under eugenics programs.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1944: The Rape Case of Recy Taylor<\/strong>Recy Taylor identified her six white attackers, but they were never brought to justice. Alabama apologized only in 2011.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1980s: Workplace Dress Codes<\/strong>Bans on natural hairstyles like braids and afros forced Black women to conform to Eurocentric beauty standards.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1994: Violence Against Women Act (VAWA)<\/strong>While a step forward, this legislation didn\u2019t fully address the unique barriers Black women face in seeking protection such as underreporting, racial profiling, mistrust in authority, and Access to Culturally Competent Services.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Of course there are some wins.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>1967: <\/strong><strong><em>Loving v. Virginia<\/em><\/strong>This landmark case struck down laws eliminating restrictions on who women could marry.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1973: <\/strong><strong><em>Relf v. Weinberger<\/em><\/strong>This case exposed federally funded forced sterilizations of Black women, helping to end the practice.<\/p>\n<p><strong>2019\u2013Present: The CROWN Act<\/strong>This legislation prohibits discrimination based on natural hairstyles, affirming Black women\u2019s autonomy over their appearance.<\/p>\n<p>So, parity with others\u2014being legally able to say <strong>yes<\/strong> to bodily autonomy and hairstyles\u2014is less than a decade old for Black women. That should horrify you.<\/p>\n<p>As a Black woman and a lover of history, I\u2019m often told to forgive and forget\u2014and there\u2019s a heavy emphasis on <em>forgiveness <\/em>and a whole lot of <em>forgetting<\/em>. That notion is anathema to my soul. My lungs struggle to seize air under the weight of ongoing restrictions. There are new laws stripping away hard-fought rights. Fear and foolishness is trying to make hard-won victories DEI casualties. It\u2019s book bans, whitewashed textbooks, tone policing, and countless microaggressions designed to smother.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Breathe.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Hear my heart: autonomy for me doesn\u2019t mean taking from you. Equality for one group doesn\u2019t mean making any other lesser. Checking on my sista doesn\u2019t mean I wish ill on others\u2014or the misters. We all gain when everyone\u2019s yes and no are respected.<\/p>\n<p>Writers, readers, citizens, hear me. Let us be wise with our words, speaking peace into existence. Let us remember and listen. Let us accept that <em>no<\/em> is a complete sentence, without the need for adjectives or explanations.<\/p>\n<p>In times such as these when injustice still reigns, people have the right to step back, breathe, and find their peace.<\/p>\n<p>Writers, I encourage you to take a more critical eye to your work. Let\u2019s not ignore the forces trying to strip away consent\u2014through laws, norms, even memes disguised as humor. We wield power with our words, and we should all consent to building up and renewing everyone who reads them.<\/p>\n<p>If you want a deeper dive into the intersectionality of it all, as a book girly I have some recommendations for you:<\/p>\n<p><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/3E2lDfN\"><em>Women, Race &#038; Class<\/em><\/a> by Angela Y. Davis explores the historical struggles of women, especially Black women, to claim autonomy and say no to oppression.<\/p>\n<p><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/p\/books\/they-were-her-property-white-women-as-slave-owners-in-the-american-south-stephanie-e-jones-rogers\/8493268?ean=9780300251838\"><em>They Were Her Property<\/em><\/a> by Stephanie E. Jones-Rogers, examines the role of white women in the American slave economy and highlights the systemic oppression of Black women.<\/p>\n<p><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/p\/books\/take-my-hand-dolen-perkins-valdez\/17556269?ean=9780593337714\"><em>Take My Hand<\/em><\/a> by Dolen Perkins-Valdez, provides important connections between her novel and the case of Relf v. Weinberger and forced sterilizations.<\/p>\n<p><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/p\/books\/sister-citizen-shame-stereotypes-and-black-women-in-america-melissa-v-harris-perry\/16615640?ean=9780300188189\"><em>Sister Citizen<\/em><\/a><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/p\/books\/sister-citizen-shame-stereotypes-and-black-women-in-america-melissa-v-harris-perry\/16615640?ean=9780300188189\"> by Melissa V. Harris-Perry<\/a>, analyzes how stereotypes affect Black women\u2019s lives and their ability to assert agency.<\/p>\n<p><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/4hfBCpL\"><em>Ain\u2019t I a Woman<\/em><\/a><em>?<\/em> by bell hooks explores the intersections of race and gender and the marginalization of Black women.<\/p>\n<p><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/p\/books\/hood-feminism-notes-from-the-women-that-a-movement-forgot-mikki-kendall\/12087970?ean=9780525560562\"><em>Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot<\/em><\/a> by Mikki Kendall, highlights the importance of boundaries and self-advocacy, especially for marginalized communities.<\/p>\n<p><p><em>Subscribe for free. Get Vanessa&#8217;s take on publishing, challenges, and opportunities, drawing from her journey as an indie author turned traditionally published powerhouse: 25 novels and counting.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/p>\n<p>Thank you for listening. Hopefully you\u2019ll come again. This is Vanessa Riley.<\/p>\n<p>This is a public episode. If you&#8217;d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href=\"https:\/\/vanessariley.substack.com\/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&#038;utm_campaign=CTA_2\">vanessariley.substack.com\/subscribe<\/a><\/p>\n<p id=\"rop\"><small>Originally posted 2025-01-21 14:10:00. <\/small><\/p><div id=\"vanes-2620371454\" class=\"vanes-after-content vanes-entity-placement\" style=\"margin-top: 3px;margin-right: 3px;margin-bottom: 3px;margin-left: 3px;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/SubstackAd.png?fit=1080%2C1350&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"Listen to the Write of Passage Weekly Podcast\"  srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/SubstackAd.png?w=1080&ssl=1 1080w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/SubstackAd.png?resize=240%2C300&ssl=1 240w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/SubstackAd.png?resize=819%2C1024&ssl=1 819w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/SubstackAd.png?resize=768%2C960&ssl=1 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" width=\"540\" height=\"675\"   \/><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>As a writer, I love giving readers something they didn\u2019t expect. When plotting a murder mystery, I meticulously plant clues, red herrings, and unexpected connections, ensuring readers will turn the pages, eager for what\u2019s next. The writer&#8217;s mind is a playground. It\u2019s the world as we know it\u2014the familiar, the structured, and the understood. Readers [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6224,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[81,793,9,620,756,694],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6194","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-personal-stories","category-politics","category-recommended-reading","category-syndication","category-technology","category-tv-and-film"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/01\/14df8d1b8709fef5c838594d974102a7.jpg?fit=2328%2C2328&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6194","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6194"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6194\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6224"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6194"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6194"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/vanessariley.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6194"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}